For some people, falling in love can be the best feeling ever while for others, it can be a horrible feeling. But there is one thing that both categories agree on…love is blind.
To care for someone so much can be devastating. You get to give them all the love you have and later they end up breaking your heart. A heartbreak can take a piece of our soul and change us into a person we never thought we would become.
I am not sure if it is only me but I see that a perfect relationship is mostly a myth. Instead, what we need to be looking for is a healthy relationship. People believe that a relationship is all about love and rainbows while it is also about sacrifice and pain.
Love is not something that comes easily or goes easily. The minute love knocks your door, it forces itself into your life. No one chooses who to love or when it appears in your life. You can be with the most perfect partner and not love him, or you can be with the worst partner and feel like you can not live without him.
This is why love is blind. When you love someone, you can’t really point out why is it that you chose THIS person out of everyone in this world. Why him/her?
When I first fell in love, I always asked myself, “Why him? When all we did was fight, why is it that you love him out of all the people around you?” I couldn’t answer myself.
In my next relationship, I had the best days when compared to the days I lived with the love of my life (let’s call him Mr. A). Even though he (let’s call him Mr. B) was better in many ways comparatively, I could only love him but never did I fall in love with him. I am not going to lie, I had serious and strong feelings for him and with time I feel that I was going to fall in love with him too. He always made me happy and at peace in our relaionship.
I always compared my relationship with B with the relationship I had with A, and B always won. He was better in every way. He and I never had a fight, he was always sweet and tender with me, he tolerated me during my dark moods, and some days he made me feel special.
I later found out that he didn’t love me at all to begin with. I still don’t even know why I was in his life or what my place was. I will be lying if I said I was not affected because I was. For a month, I had trouble believing what happened. What made it worse was I didn’t have any closure of our breakup. However, the pain was nothing compared to what I felt when A and I broke up. It took me six months to get over my first real breakup with A and three years over my final break up with him.
It is true that breakups can be very painful and heartbreaking (literally), but they always teach you a lesson. From every breakup, you come out with a new lesson or a new perspective in love and in yourself. Here is something my favorite uncle always tells me, “When you break up with someone, it gets you closer to finding Mr. Right.”
Even though it didn’t feel that way when I just came out of a heartbreak, but I believe that the right person is waiting for me somewhere. The best part about this is that by that time, you will reach the best version of yourself from the lessons you learned after every breakup.
Speaking of lessons we learn after a breakup, here are some of the lessons I learned from my past relationships.
Don’t try to overthink about your future with him
When I decided to get into a relationship with Mr. B, I did it after calculating all the scenarios in my head that could possibly happen to us. As a perpetual overthinker, I thought a lot about how my future was going to be with him. That included what we will do, how we can do it, when is the best time to do it, and so on. But it got me nowhere. Sometimes it even skips my head that there is a possibility we won’t make it till the end. However, we still broke up although I had a very peaceful relationship with him.
No matter how much you think about the future, nothing matters. In the end, anything is possible. Overthinking about your future with the person you love will not change anything about your future with him. If he loves you and you love him, and you are happy with him, then that is all that matters. Live the moment and enjoy it.
Never ignore small things
Sometimes you choose to follow your heart and blind yourself on other things. It helps in making the relationship to keep going no matter what. Still, in a relationship, you can follow your heart but you also need to listen to your brain.
This was one of my biggest mistakes in my second relationship. Even though I always listened to my mind, I chose to let go of the small (basic) feelings I felt in our relationship in fear that I might lose the man who made me happy in all other ways. In order to continue what I had with Mr. B, I kept trying to ignore some negative signs regarding our future together. I was worried that if I happen to talk about them or even ask him, I will drive him away.
This is why you should always speak up about anything bothering you regardless of how he/she would feel about you mentioning or pointing out the doubts in your mind. Talking things out is suppose to get you closer instead of pulling you away from each other. If that happened, then you guys are not meant to be. You have to know that if he is yours, then nothing in this world can take him away from you. He will always be yours no matter what you say or do.
Just be yourself. Don’t force yourself to let go of your basic right in a relationship…to talk about what is bothering you.
A little obsession over you is okay.
When Mr. A was obsessed over me and my actions (or at least that’s how I viewed it then), I thought it was suffocating. I mean who is he to interrogate me over my movements, my friends, or anything that is part of my private life. Whenever I go out, he wanted to know where I am going or when I am getting back home, who am I meeting and, for how long will I be with that person and so on.
This is something I learned later that what I thought was interrogation was actually care. He said all these things and asked all these questions because he cared about me not because he was interrogating me. Even though he didn’t like it if I intruded his privacy and that made me defensive, but when I looked at it from his perspective, today I came to understand that it was care.
It is true that some people overcare and that is not okay. There is a big gap between care and obsession. While a little obsession shows care and protection, over obsession is suffocating and poisonous. You should never agree to the latter. You have to learn to make a difference.
Being Aquarius, my zodiac sign proves that the main part of my personality is independence. I hate someone trying to control me or intruding on my private life. I always need my space. This is why I was unable to understand the care and protection behind the little obsession a man can have over you.
Your past relationships were never a mistake
After a breakup, we all believe that this past relationship was a mistake. In the self-reflection phase, we get to feel self-loathe even if it was not our fault. We wish it never happened and that we were stupid enough to fall into such a mistake especially if we are full grown-up adults. The real mistake is that we fail to see what we should learn from this relationship.
Each relationship teaches you something you never thought was true. I know it doesn’t feel this way when the breakup happens, but I am telling you this from my personal experience. There is a lesson hidden that we should be looking for. All you have to do is just deeply think about how your relationship was. Open your mind and point out the faults in this relationship that led to the breakup.
You don’t have to point fingers on whose fault it was that you are no longer together. It doesn’t have to be his/her fault or your fault. Maybe it just didn’t work out. What I am asking you to do is to look into what happened and think about why it happened. Don’t blame yourself for the past but point out on things that you want to change in your next relationship.
One way or another, I am sure you will come up with a new lesson that you can learn from your past relationships that will help you improve your next one.
Related post: How To Get Through Nagging Regrets
Romance is not everything in a relationship; Commitment is!
Many people look for romance and intimacy in a relationship more than commitment. This is wrong. The backbone of every relationship is trust and commitment. Romance and intimacy come second because they make the relationship beautiful and colorful, but they are not everything you need.
New couples can’t really differentiate between love and lust at the beginning of their relationship. Excitement and enthusiasm are at its peak at this point. You have to understand that you need to take things slowly to understand the intensity of your relationship. Love matures with time but lust fades away with time.
Romance is important but it is not everything. This is something many many people fail to believe or even understand. You have to know that if all a man is looking for is intimacy, then he doesn’t care about you. If all a woman is looking for is romance, then she truly doesn’t care about you. All these partners are looking for is someone to play and kill time with.
Hence, look for a partner who shares your level of commitment. There is no point in giving your all to someone who is not worth it.
You can not change anyone
No matter how much we love someone or someone loves us, we can never change them. While it is true that people can change, you shouldn’t force them to change themselves to become anything they are not because they simply won’t.
Ask yourself, if your partner wants you to change to become someone you’re not, someone who doesn’t portray your own personality, will you agree to change? 99% of you all will say, “No, I won’t.”
You have to get into a relationship with a person who you believe is the best version of your ideal partner fantasy. Nobody is perfect. We all have flaws that might not be okay with our partner. That doesn’t mean that we have to force ourselves to change for anyone.
If you feel that you can not deal with a particular trait of a person and you are forcing him/her to change, then consider this a deal-breaker. Forcing someone to change won’t do. You need to know how much can you compromise.
I am not saying you should compromise, but I am sure we all let go of something in a relationship that we believe is worthy to keep. So all you have to do is know yourself and your worth, and be clear of what you can take and what you can’t. Stop trying to change them!
I let this point to be the last point because it truly is something I figured out late myself. It is something that none of us (okay..maybe most of us) think about when we are in a relationship. We depend on our partner to love us and we don’t consider loving ourselves.
You should not depend on your partner to make you happy. Love yourself. Depending on someone else to feel loved will always be insufficient to get the true feeling of a contented lifestyle relationship. Learn to love yourself with full confidence and it will reflect on your attitude towards your relationship.
I am sharing this post because I want you to know the lessons I learned from my past relationships hoping that it opens your eyes to your past relationships. You should know that we all go through breakups but not all of us come out of it with a lesson.
In order to move forward and improve your experience in the coming relationship, we need to look for what we could possibly make better and how we can be happier in this new relationship.
Thank you for reading till the end 🙂
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Feel free to share some of the lessons you learned in your past relationships in the comments below.